


Separated Forevermore

by EthelPhantom



Series: Worth the Suffering [1]
Category: Code Geass
Genre: (again), Angst, Canonical Character Death, For Both CG Itself And This Series, Gen, Lelouch Lies Because He Thinks He's Doing The Right Thing, M/M, Sad, Spoilers, Zero Requiem, plans gone wrong, technical character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-15 17:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18674101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthelPhantom/pseuds/EthelPhantom
Summary: Maybe ordering the collective unconscious wasn’t his best idea. Or, it might have been the greatest thing he's ever done, Lelouch is not sure, but right now its consequences frustrate him a whole lot.(Alternatively, a new factor is added and suddenly plans for Zero Requiem have to be redone.)





	Separated Forevermore

**Author's Note:**

> So, a new part of this series. It takes its place at ZR, so it's the first part in chronological order.
> 
> Like said, this is a part of a series and contains spoilers for both CG's ending and the main fic (Never Too Far From You) of this series. I can, for now, only spot three significant references to it, though, so feel free to read it nonetheless. If you want to read NTFFY though, I recommend doing that first, seriously. 
> 
> To the older readers, glad to see you again, and guess what, you get to see Lelouch’s side of the conversation at the end of the 6th chapter of NTFFY. Have fun.
> 
> That being said, there's somewhat graphic description of Lelouch’s death, although it's less graphic description of violence so it's not in the tags, so you know, if that triggers you, skip the third part of this (it's divided into 7 parts).
> 
> Hope you enjoy reading!

Lelouch paced around the room, frustration clearly showing on his face. C.C. sat on the bed placed near the wall, seemingly unconcerned. She was mostly waiting for Lelouch to calm down enough to stay still and just listen so that she could continue explaining what she had started.

“But this ruins all of my plans!”, Lelouch exclaimed, finally standing in one place long enough for C.C. to decide paying attention to him could be worth it.

“Well, it is certainly not my fault you decided to order the collective unconscious in C’s world to let tomorrow come every day over and over again, which led to the death — or absorbing — of your father”, she reminded him, sighing. She still had a bored look on her face, which frustrated Lelouch to no end. Well, it was the least of his concerns, so maybe it irritated him less than everything else, and only added to his already existing annoyance.

“But you could have told me something like this could happen!”

“Lelouch, I literally had no memories of anything concerning geass, code or C’s world, or even myself, not anywhere outside of C’s world where I could have told you. You are aware I sealed my code which led to the me you know staying inside C’s world, and you don’t know how to get in very well, apparently. Can’t talk to or with you from there”, C.C. deadpanned. She was getting just as irritated as Lelouch was.

“Yes, but—”

“No buts. There’s nothing I could have done to help you avoid this.”

Lelouch groaned and slumped on the chair in front of his desk.

“You could have at least told me this earlier than a mere month before Zero Requiem is supposed to happen.”

Lelouch was, by no means, having fun. He and Suzaku had come up with the plans for Zero Requiem a long ago, gone through with them to the point where they could no longer turn around, and Suzaku was already pronounced dead to the outside world a month ago. Only C.C. and Lelouch knew for sure that Suzaku was alive. Lloyd and Cécile might have known as well since he had requested them for a knightmare from where Suzaku could get out discreetly no matter what, and they had also heard some things about the plan for Zero Requiem. But, since they were now on the side of everyone else, they were locked up in a prison and not informed whether the Knight of Zero was still alive. There was a chance they didn’t know.

And now, now C.C. was telling him that hey, Lelouch couldn’t die like they had planned. He didn’t even understand how that was supposed to work — although, he supposed his confusion could probably be explained by him interrupting C.C. before she got to that point in her explanations. He didn’t even know how to feel about all this, aside from frustration and anger. How could Lelouch begin to tell Suzaku he couldn’t die anymore? Suzaku would take it as him trying to back away from their plans, which obviously wasn’t true. It was possible his friend would even say that he was no longer in it. Lelouch couldn’t have that. The world needed Zero Requiem.

And, what was he supposed to do if he couldn’t even die? Lelouch knew he needed to atone for everything he had done, his sins. He knew he had to be punished somehow, and in the way it would matter. Why should he get to kill thousands and millions of people yet not suffer a punishment other than his own guilt. He didn’t know what else besides death would work.

“How does this all even work? I mean, yes, I know I killed my father who possessed a code, and I also know that if a geass user manages to kill someone with a code, they supposedly inherit their code and become immortal, but I didn’t make a contract with him and thus receive my geass from him.”

C.C. sighed and rolled her eyes. “I don’t know, maybe you not understanding this has something — or possibly everything — to do with you not letting me explain”, she stated with the same deadpan expression she always wore on her face. “How about you shut up for a while and let me talk for a change.”

Lelouch, surprisingly, did snap his mouth shut and kept quiet. When C.C. finally realised that he was waiting for her to speak, she continued on from where she had left.

“Okay, so yeah, you obtained a code when you killed Charles. Your geass evolved and has now taken over both your eyes — and, as you know, it means it’s much more powerful now than it was before then. If a geass user’s geass gets to that level, they will be able to kill—”

“I know that already, witch. How about you explain how and why in the world I got a code from someone who didn’t give me my geass!”, Lelouch snapped, interrupting C.C., _again_.

C.C. shot an icy glare at Lelouch. “Lelouch, shut up and let me talk if you want to know. I do not like being interrupted.”

“Fine.”

Lelouch huffed and slumped back on the chair. He guessed he had stood up when he began yelling at her and only realised it now.

“If you manage to kill someone with a code, it doesn’t matter whether they are the one who gave you your geass. As long as you manage to kill them, you will inherit their code.”

“Question: If I possess a code now, why am I still able to use my geass?”

C.C. sighed. “Of course you would ask. I should have foreseen that. Well, that is because your code has not been activated yet, and before you ask how _that_ happens — I can see you opened your mouth, you shouldn’t act so surprised, you aren’t subtle at all —, it is activated upon your death. So, basically, the day someone or something kills you, your code activates and you will be imprisoned in that age until the eternity itself ceases to be, which by the way is not happening. Or, of course, if you give someone else a geass and they decide to kill you. Oh, and since you killed an immortal you didn’t make a contract with, I am not sure whether you’ll be able to use your geass after your code is—”

“Activated. I get it”, Lelouch said, finishing what C.C. had been about to say. C.C. nodded, confirming that was indeed what she would have said.

So if and when Suzaku killed him, his code would activate and then he could technically just get up and walk away if he wanted to? Yeah, no, that definitely endangered the entirety of Zero Requiem, and nothing should come across his way, nothing should prevent him and Suzaku from performing their act and bringing Zero Requiem to life on a stage for all the world to see.

“I suppose dying will still hurt, and that after that getting shot or stabbed or the like will still cause me pain?”

“Yes, you are immortal, not unharmable. Those are two different things, boy.”

“Of course.”

Lelouch needed to change his plans and quickly. That was bad. And what was even worse, he could never, ever tell Suzaku. It was practically lying to Suzaku even though they had come to an agreement to never lie to each other again. Now Lelouch had to do it once more. It hurt him, but it was necessary in order to protect his best friend from more unnecessary pain. Lelouch was sure that killing him would be painful to Suzaku, because after all, they were friends, but Lelouch was also sure that Suzaku would get over him just as quickly. It wasn’t like Lelouch was Euphie who was practically a saint and loved everyone (albeit, she was quite naive). There was no reason for Suzaku to keep mourning him, him who had killed and killed and killed, eventually even his precious princess.

Maybe Suzaku would get surped in with the masses that hated him with their whole heart, those that wanted to see him dead, just like his sister had. It was better for both of them that they didn’t know Lelouch was alive. They could hate him without any restraints, they could be happy without him.

Besides, killing Lelouch was a great chance for Suzaku to avenge his beloved Euphie — after all, it was Lelouch who had taken away her life and free will, it was Lelouch who geassed Euphie into wanting to kill all the Japanese and actually committing a massacre. Suzaku loved her, just like Lelouch had once loved his mother. Suzaku would want his revenge, and he deserved to achieve it. Lelouch shouldn’t take it away from him. It would cause Lelouch a great deal of pain to live without Suzaku and Nunnally, but it was necessary. He didn’t even know how he could survive sane without the two of them anymore, especially if they would both hate him.

It amused Lelouch now how many people have asked Lelouch that if he died, how would Nunnally, and later Suzaku, survive without him. If Lelouch was being honest, while he was sure the two of them would do perfectly well without him, he doubted he himself would survive without them at all. They were his most treasured things in this world. They were to him the most precious things he could have.

Oh, but that was something he could set as his own punishment. That’s what he could replace dying with in his plans. There was no one but C.C. he could ever tell about the change, though, and even that was only because she was the one informing him of his (literally) undying condition.

Lelouch would live on without his loved ones in the perfect world he was going to create. He had originally wanted to create that kind and gentle world for Nunnally, and then for everyone he loved, but he had also planned on being a part of that world with those he created it for. Now he would have to watch his loved ones move on and be happy again in the world that wouldn’t need or want him. He would have to live on eternally, always alone, until the eternity itself ceased to be as C.C. put it.

Sure, he could technically spend his time with C.C. since she too was immortal, but he wanted to isolate himself so he would be able to go through with his own punishment. It wouldn’t be fair if only Suzaku had to sudder, considering it was Lelouch who had committed so many cruelties, and far too many of them. Lelouch was the worse one out of the two of them, he was the one who deserved to be in pain for the rest of the eternity. Not Suzaku. If one of them should be allowed to pass the punishment, it was Suzaku, although he too deserved to atone. Honestly speaking, Lelouch wanted him to be happy (or at the very least okay) one day again.

Now Lelouch just needed to figure out how to get away from his execution site without anyone, even and especially Suzaku, realising it happened. Maybe he could get C.C. to help him.

“C.C.—”

“Whatever it is you’re asking, the answer is no. Unless it’s pizza.”

“It isn’t pizza.”

“Then I’m not interested.”

“Listen here, you got me into this mess—”

“No, I didn’t.”

“—So you may as well help me.”

C.C. thought about it before finally replying. “What do you need help with?”

At least now she didn’t say no, yet at least. No matter how stubborn or convincing Lelouch could be, C.C. was always more so, and that’s why managing to get her not to say no right away was a good sign. Or, at the very least, it could be a good sign.

“Since I am incapable of stopping Zero Requiem at this point anymore — Suzaku wouldn’t let me —, I need a way to get away from everyone without them realising it. Can you help me figure out a way as to how to do that?”

C.C. chuckled and smirked. Lelouch was convinced that was a mischievous glint that he could see in her eyes.

“Well, how about we hope Suzaku and Nunnally will get your body to Britannia, and we swap it with a doll that is a literal copy of you before your body actually gets to Britannia? Everyone would suppose you are dead, so they wouldn’t likely touch you a lot and thus notice the difference. The doll would pass as your corpse, and they would end up burying or burning a doll instead of you.”

Lelouch immediately understood where she was going at with what she was saying, and even though he often didn’t like admitting she had great ideas, this was a time she had a great idea and he would admit it any given day. This was most definitely one of those times. It was possible he would have come up with a similar plan himself, but he wasn’t calm enough to think rationally, so he appreciated C.C. suggesting it a lot.

Lelouch was grateful for having C.C. on his side once again. She had often been the one to bring him back to earth during the past year or so, she had comforted him when the weight of the world on his shoulders became too much, when his sins’ weight was greater than his goals’ and he couldn’t see past them, she had always been there. She had become a very dear friend to him. He loved her, too, but Lelouch knew she would be okay even if he disappeared from the face of the earth — especially if it was because of his own decision and he had become an immortal since that meant she could visit him from time to time if she wanted or needed to. He just needed to find a way to make her smile first.

“And since the easiest way to get my body back to Britannia is to fly it there, after swapping me with the doll I could simply become one of the flight attendants or airport workers if we had a disguise ready and waiting for me. Also, if the doll was made of composing materials, it’s mean that even if someone got the genius idea of digging my grave open and didn’t find my body, everything would still be okay, because Nunnally and ‘Zero’ could assure they saw it buried with their own eyes.”

C.C. smiled, glad Lelouch understood what she meant. Sure, she would probably have to help with both the preparations and the actual day they did it, but that was fine. Lelouch was her friend, and what would she not for those she cared about? Especially since this wasn’t anything dangerous or annoying. There was no reason for her not to help Lelouch.

And so they went through their plans, careful not to leave out any details, even more careful not to slip anything to Suzaku, and if Lelouch was a bit uncomfortable and anxious near Suzaku the next week, no one said anything about it.

Now he needed to make sure the garden was designed perfectly, and that all the flowers were the correct ones. He hoped to the gods Nunnally wouldn’t want to get rid of them right away just because she hated him. Lelouch hoped the flowers were beautiful enough for Nunnally to want to keep them, even if she claimed to have designed the garden herself. That was fine, only Suzaku needed to know the truth. After all, she was sure to hate him, and while it hurt, it was for the better. She would be okay, and faster so if she never missed him.

  


 

❋❋❋❋❋❋❋

 

 

 

Lelouch glanced up at the window, watching the dark night sky. It was his last night with Suzaku by his die, because tomorrow was the time for the climax of the act they had created — Zero Requiem. He didn’t want to lose a moment of his remaining time.

“You know, all of this ends as I lose at the hands of the one I choose.”

Suzaku arched his eyebrow, looking puzzled. Lelouch sighed but snorted lightly. Of course, only Suzaku could look this confused about something as grand as Zero Requiem even though he was participating in making it true just because Lelouch didn’t explicitly say it. Sure, he was being a bit cryptic, but Suzaku had known him for so long that he should have known. Suzaku really should have immediately understood what Lelouch meant for it was something they had been talking about for at least four months by now.

“What do you mean?”, Suzaku asked, tilting his head. The apparent (knowing) confusion on Suzaku’s face forced an unhappy chuckle out of Lelouch.

“I mean, you’ll kill me tomorrow, won’t you?”

“Oh, that… Yes…”

Lelouch had trouble hearing Suzaku’s voice. It was barely even a whisper. It sounded as though he was sad, pained, even. The way his voice cracked broke Lelouch’s heart — well, more like broke the already shattered fragments into even smaller ones. He could almost see tears in Suzaku’s eyes. Lelouch hated being the cause of Suzaku’s pain. He was always hurting him over and over, and it seemed as though Lelouch could never cease doing so. He hated hurting his dearest friend — or darling knight, as C.C. put it — but he still managed to keep doing it.

“Oh, my dearest, the White Knight, this is where our ways part for this is where you call checkmate on me.”

“Do you always need to make chess references? Can’t you please stop, at least for one day?”, Suzaku asked, his tone more exasperated than Lelouch had heard it in a while.

“No, not really. I would have if you had asked earlier, but since this is my last day alive —” A lie. He didn’t like lying to Suzaku, not in the least, but it was for his own best. “— I want and am allowed to make them for the last time. You know that, Suzaku. This bloodshed I’ve caused needs to stop, and it needs to stop before more blood is spilled”, Lelouch chuckled. He was sure his voice wasn’t happy, though. He wasn’t happy. He just wanted to appear as though he was completely fine with their plan to Suzaku so that he could forget about Lelouch as fast as possible.

Suzaku’s face twisted. Lelouch did not like that look on him.

“But I’ll spill your blood to end it, will I not? Is it really possible that spilling even more blood can be our salvation and punishment?”

Now that Suzaku said it like that, it didn’t sound like it could, but Lelouch knew better. It was the best way for them to atone, and all the cruelties they had committed would be worth it because Zero Requiem would restore the peace so many fought for on the world.

And so he answered as he best saw fit. Lelouch couldn’t appear doubtful now. He couldn’t.

“Yes. The two of us shall not live, and the only way to ensure we’re gone is to make us disappear. You are already dead to the public eye, so you can simply keep the mask on, but I am the worse one out of us two. I need to die in front of them. They won’t accept my death otherwise, they wouldn’t believe it. And, if I’m alive — if they even think I’m alive —, it could make the people restless. Just the awareness of my existence, even if I were to be imprisoned until the end of time and they knew it, could cause restlessness and chaos.”

A sigh escaped Suzaku’s lips, and Lelouch saw him lift his gaze from the floor where it had dropped a moment ago. Lelouch watched the sadness in his knight’s eyes gain a glint of confidence and determination, but the sorrow was unwavering — it didn’t seem to leave no matter what.

“Then… If the emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire is dead from tomorrow on, may I receive my last order now, whatever it might be.”

Lelouch swallowed down the lump in his throat along with the tears that were trying to fight their way into his eyes. He forced a smile on his face and, looking straight into his best friend’s eyes, spoke. “That is okay. I only have one order. Take care of the young white queen, my darling little sister. Protect her at all costs, I want her to be safe.”

His lips quirked as Suzaku groaned quietly at the chess reference — at least Lelouch thought it was at the chess reference because Suzaku hated them. Or, he claimed to hate them. Lelouch was fairly certain Suzaku found some amusement in them, too. Nonetheless, Suzaku nodded, and answered with the three words Lelouch had tried to make Suzaku stop saying in private, “Yes, Your Majesty.”

“Then, I have to admit, I also do have a selfish request. You’re free to ignore it if you want to, but I wish you would listen to it. It is not from the Emperor Lelouch vi Britannia, but your friend Lelouch”, he said, a slightly sheepish smile on his face. He wished he wasn’t asking for too much because he really wanted Suzaku to do this one last thing for _him_ , and not because he asked it for someone else.

Thankfully, Suzaku decided to listen to him. “What is it, Lelouch?”

The change back to his given name told Lelouch that Suzaku was indeed listening to him. And, what made it better, he was doing so not as the Knight of Zero but Suzaku. It meant more to Lelouch than he could have ever expressed.

“I wish for you to remember me, preferably as the Lelouch who was your friend, cared for you and wanted your best, not the enemy of the world who just killed and killed and killed. Please. Oh, and also, live on for my sake.”

Lelouch was well aware how selfish his request was, but he needed to ask it. If Suzaku was going to remember him — and let’s be honest, he was because everyone around him would always keep hating him until the eternity ended and Suzaku was going to hear all of it —, Lelouch at least wanted this one person to remember him as he was at his best. He wanted this one person to remember him as someone who was a good older brother and best friend, who truly loved his closest people more than anything else in the world and would do anything for them.

The smile that appeared on Suzaku’s lips was forced, so clearly forced that it hurt Lelouch to even see it. He just wanted to hug Suzaku and tell him everything was going to be okay and that he loved him.

He couldn’t.

If he did, there was a chance Suzaku would refuse to kill him and then everything would be ruined. And if not, Suzaku might suffer even more, and Lelouch didn’t want that to happen. Then again, because Lelouch was going to have someone kill him even if Suzaku refused to, it would be Suzaku nonetheless. He wouldn’t let anyone else do it. Suzaku had told Lelouch so himself maybe a week ago.

“I’ll never forget you, Lelouch. Never. Because after all, you were always my first true friend.”

 

 

“Thank you, Suzaku. I will never forget you either.”

  


 

❋❋❋❋❋❋❋

  
  


Lelouch sat on his throne-like seat on the moving platform, smirking. He watched the parade go on, never really paying attention to the masses he knew hated and despised him with their whole hearts. He checked how Nunnally was doing once or twice, worried about his darling little sister. Even if he was the one that had people chain her earlier, he was no less worried about her. He loved her and didn’t really want to do it, but this act was necessary. Lelouch wished he could go to her, embrace her and tell her everything was going to be okay. He desperately wanted to explain everything to her because his heart ached for causing Nunnally so much pain, and he didn’t like lying to her either, but he knew that sometimes sacrifices ought to be made if he wanted to be able to give her her perfect world.

Even if she would hate him in her perfect world.

He could also see Jeremiah standing on the ground level but still in front of him, acting as though he was going to protect Lelouch from any harm. They were both aware Lelouch was going to die only a handful of moments later — or, at least Jeremiah thought so. Lelouch was fairly sure he would stay alive despite getting stabbed with a giant sword right through his heart. Even if he didn’t, that was fine. Then they could stick to the original plan. C.C. would know if he actually ended up dying because of the connection she had to him through their contract, and well, if he didn’t, she was waiting for him so that they could replace his ‘corpse’ with the look-alike doll.

The people that looked at him with detestful eyes would soon be so very surprised and so very happy. They couldn’t even suspect anything like Zero coming and killing him. They would love Zero after this.

His sister would be happier without him. This was the final sacrifice he needed to make in order to create and give Nunnally the kind and gentle world she had wished for. He had started everything for her, and so he was going to end it all for her.

There was someone recording everything as wanted because all the world needed to see what was happening and what would happen soon. The host was speaking about something, but honestly, Lelouch wasn’t paying attention to it at all. He didn’t care. Not right now, at least. If he lived to see the new morning after this day, then he had time to possibly worry about it.

Lelouch only started paying attention when everything stopped and he could hear a collective gasp go and echo around within the crowd. So, Suzaku had arrived. His dearest friend had arrived to kill him. And now, now was the time to finally open the curtains and begin acting.

Lelouch’s eyes widened as he forced himself to at least look shocked. It was a good thing he was a great actor and could somewhat easily fake his emotions, at least externally. He should look like he didn’t know why any of this was happening, as though he had had nothing to do with these plans. As though he wasn’t the mastermind behind this plan.

The knightmares tried to shoot Suzaku, but the boy had superior skills in anything that had something to do with sports, or fighting, and so he was able to dodge every single one of the bullets. There was a reason he was dubbed one of the best and most powerful knights that had ever lived already at the age of 18. Even without anything but himself helping him he could easily best most people when it came to fighting — even if his opponents yielded weapons or knightmares.

Jeremiah, like Lelouch had told him to do, gave an order to the knights inside the knightmares to cease fire. They had to keep Suzaku alive, and no mistakes should occur anymore, especially because of Lelouch’s own miscalculations. There was always a chance something went wrong and thus cause someone who wasn’t supposed to die cease to breathe forever — and if it was either of Lelouch’s loved ones, he would just give up everything, even Zero Requiem, and avenge them. The world would suffer and he would never surrender the reign to anyone else.

And of course, just as they had agreed to do, Jeremiah didn’t actually even try to stop Suzaku. Everything was going right according to the plan.

When Suzaku finally jumped before him, Lelouch stood up and pulled a gun from under his robes. He had hidden it there for both, the show and the off chance something they had not planned happened.

“Fool!”, he yelled, but Suzaku hit the gun out of his hand with the ridiculous sword that fit the role of Zero perfectly. And then, when Suzaku prepared to stab him, Lelouch smirked. So many people were yelling, and while he was sure many of them were people he had once known so well and who had cared about him, he could only recognise a few voices. Rivalz’s, Kallen’s and Kaguya’s. And then he heard Nunnally’s panicky cry and his heart was ripped in two. His sister sounded so terrified. He hated to know he was the reason she was horrified.

Lelouch felt the blade of the sword press his skin right before it went through, piercing his heart. It hurt much more than he had imagined. He couldn’t help but let out a choked, pained gasp. He was in so much pain right then and there that if he had later on been asked to describe how it felt, he couldn’t explain — no matter how good he was with words. Everything he could say would be downplaying the pain.

And then he could hear his name being said — Suzaku had gasped it out, voice broken. Lelouch just wanted to comfort him, wanted to tell his love it was all going to be okay — this was the first time Lelouch had called Suzaku his love in his head, he realised — but didn’t yet know how to do it without risking Zero Requiem. Something must have been clouding his usually so clear thinking, though, because he eventually went far enough with it for all the people to realise how he felt about the masked man if they paid attention to what he was doing at all.

“This, then, shall be your punishment”, he murmured, falling forwards to rest his head on Suzaku’s shoulder and support himself while he was at it. Lelouch felt his own warm blood stain his hands but didn’t really care about it at all. He just kept putting more pressure on his wound, trying to slow down the bleeding as well as he could. He wanted as much time with Suzaku as he could. Lelouch was well aware it would never be much, never enough, but if there was even a slim chance he could increase it by even mere seconds, he would, without a doubt. Even if it meant he would be in pain longer than he was going to be without.

“You will live on, always wearing that mask, as the knight of justice. You will no longer live your life as Kururugi Suzaku.”

Lelouch lifted his bloodstained hand from his wound, wishing and wanting to caress Suzaku’s cheek for the last time, but of course he had somehow ended up forgetting the mask of Zero was there, which meant his hand only touched the cold material of the mask. It hadn’t been a lot to ask, right? Certainly less than his selfish request for Suzaku to remember him as his friend. It felt cruel because even if Lelouch were to live to see the next day, he would never be able to do this again. He needed to lie to Suzaku — and Nunnally — and let him believe he was dead. It was his only option. It would hurt Suzaku the least and Lelouch the most. That he didn’t doubt for a second.

He couldn’t care less about possibly getting caught right now (really, he did, but his dying mind tried to convince the rest of him otherwise). It was a risk he was willing to take — even if their plan was destroyed, he wanted to do this one last thing before never meeting Suzaku again. Lelouch also wanted to comfort his beloved friend — his love — somehow because Suzaku shouldn’t grieve him, he shouldn’t regret doing this for a moment. None of this was his fault, Lelouch had asked him to do it and he was grateful for it. Lelouch was the only one here to blame. Lelouch smiled sadly, thinking about how this was the last time he would ever get to touch Suzaku unless he was reborn one day — which Lelouch wished for but was quite sure was impossible.

“You shall sacrifice the pleasure of being an ordinary person to the world, forevermore.”

It was sad, sorrowful, regretful, even, how even at this last moment Lelouch could spend with his dearest friend, he was unable to tell Suzaku he loved him. Maybe that was for the best. If Suzaku wasn’t already aware of it, he would find out one day when he finally looked up all the meanings of the flowers Lelouch had planted in his garden — unless someone decided they should be gotten rid of, in which case Suzaku would never come to know about Lelouch’s feelings. While that could have been the best, Lelouch hoped for the flowers to remain untouched.

“This Geass I do solemnly accept!”

Lelouch could hear Suzaku’s voice crack, which to Lelouch felt like someone had let his heart shatter for the millionth time. Lelouch didn’t know how anything could break his heart anymore for it was already so broken, but here Suzaku was, managing to do just that.

But, this was not the time to focus on that, it was the time for them to let the curtains of their bloody act fall, never to be opened again. Lelouch let his hand slip from the mask and then Suzaku pulled the sword out of his chest. It twisted Lelouch’s face for a second as it hurt possibly more than when Suzaku had pushed it through him. Then he stumbled a dew steps across their stage, feeling Suzaku’s eyes watch him. His knees gave out and he fell forwards, but since he was on the edge of the platform, he fell down the ramp and slid it down all the way to where Nunnally was chained to place. He could see his little sister’s light purple eyes widen as they realised he was there, pure white emperor’s robes dyed by the dark crimson blood bleeding from his chest.

Lelouch could hear the soft words (“Big brother?”) that Nunnally who could not yet fully understand the happened spoke. Sure, she could see him lying there, but it was not the same thing as comprehending he was truly dying. It was likely that Nunnally, in a way deep within, had forgotten her evil and powerful big brother could indeed die, that her once so dear big brother who was only 18 years of age could die so young. She had seen death before, too, but it didn’t mean it was easy for her.

Nunnally reached her hand to touch Lelouch’s hesitantly and then held it in her own. Lelouch could feel himself being taken to a journey through his last memories, those when they had discussed Zero Requiem with Suzaku. It felt similar to the times he had touched C.C. and been taken through his own or C.C.’s memories — but this felt so much worse. He remembered a few times C.C. had reacted very badly to remembering and understood now why. So, he had become immortal? The few memories he could see were from C’s world right after he had killed his parents, and the time he had given Zero’s mask to Suzaku as they made the final decision that Zero Requiem would be performed. But, if this was triggered by Nunnally touching his hand, did that mean that she too now — yeah, she did. She saw it all as well.

“No… Everything you did until now was…” The broken tone in Nunnally’s voice broke his heart (he really didn’t understand how anymore, it was so broken he thought it was impossible to shatter it even more), and he wanted nothing more than to get up and embrace his sister, but he couldn’t. He had no strength left to do so. Nunnally took his hand to her own and brought it to her face, cradling it.

“Big brother, I love you!”

Nunnally lifted his hand to her face, tears starting to flow from her eyes. Lelouch hated being the reason the two he loved and cared about the most in the entire world were hurting and he hoped they would move on from him soon because as long as Lelouch had a say in it, they would never meet him again. Not in this life, at least. Maybe in the next, if rebirth existed. Nonetheless, he was glad he could hear his sister tell him she loved him for there would never be another time that happened, there really wouldn’t.

Lelouch couldn’t breathe well anymore. All he had ever wanted was to live with those he loved until the end of time and to protect them from all harm, but all he ever managed to do was to hurt them times and times again.

He should have taken Nunnally’s tendency to want to forgive and understand him no matter what into account. If he had, he wouldn’t have placed her right where he knew he would fall, for then she could have kept on hating him until she would forget and it wouldn’t hurt her. He would have placed her somewhere far from him, possibly let her see it from a recording only.

For who would mourn a demon who declared himself the emperor of the world without asking anyone else first?

“Yes, I… I destroy… the world…. And create it… anew…”

Lelouch smiled, the last thing he saw being precious memories of his. All of them weren’t happy, but they mattered to him, they had all led him here. They made him who he was now. Lelouch assumed Nunnally could see them as well, which saddened him for he didn’t want her to cry for him anymore. He didn’t deserve her tears. But, in a way, he was glad. She would get to see that he had always only loved her, that he had done so much for her even if she didn’t understand why.

He could see Shirley — dead —, Kallen kissing him, Suzaku stepping on his head, chess games, being Zero, his father taking away his memories, school festivals, Rolo — dead, him too —, shooting Euphie, C.C., and the moment he had decided what to do with his geass. And finally, finally he saw the happy faced of Suzaku and Nunnally as they had been children, still unaware of the agony they would all have to face in the future, all of their hands still clean from the blood of other people. It was one of his most treasured memories. He could see their smiling faces in his mind as clearly as though they had happened yesterday, and he knew he was never going to let go of those memories. He couldn’t.

And finally he closed his eyes as his eyelids became too heavy for him to keep them open. Lelouch drifted into the peaceful land of the dead, although he knew he would be dragged away back to this world soon.

_I’m sorry, Nunnally, Suzaku, I really wanted to stay with you. I never wanted to hurt either of you. I love you. Please take care of yourselves. Dear sister of mine, please, move on and be happy again. Don’t you worry about me, I do not deserve your endless love._

“Big brother! No! Please open your eyes! Big brother! Big brother!!”

He could still hear Nunnally’s screams, so heart wrenching, but he could only hear them muffled. The masses were running towards him, he could hear the land thumbing, he could hear their chants and cheers for Zero. Lelouch was sorry, he really was, but he still believed Nunnally would move on soon. After all, how could she forgive him? He had killed so many, he’d been such a terrible older brother. Lelouch wanted to tell her he loved her, but maybe she knew. He hoped to the gods above she knew.

There was nothing he could do about anything. He honestly wished she would forgive him for causing her so much pain by this plan, even if that was the only thing she could ever forgive him. Even that was surely too much to ask for, but that was fine. He didn’t need to be forgiven. Lelouch didn’t deserve Suzaku and Nunnally’s forgiveness, let alone their love. He never did.

  


 

❋❋❋❋❋❋❋

  
  


It was so dark. He hated it. Lelouch waited and waited for C.C. to come, and the time he spent waiting felt longer than anything he had experienced before. Well, he was probably strongly exaggerating that, but it didn’t matter — he was in his bloody clothing and in what seemed to be a coffin, it really was not comfortable. Besides, he couldn’t even breathe, there was next to no oxygen there.

Then he finally heard someone move outside, most definitely wishing it was C.C.. And, well, when beams of light reached the darkness he was in, he could see the amber eyes and the cocky smirk of the immortal witch whom she had come to care about possibly too much.

“Well then, your majesty. Let us get you out of that clothing. I received orders to change ‘the scumbag of a human being’ into cleaner regalia. You should be glad it was me who received those orders and not someone else. Oh, and for your information, Zero tensed and Her Majesty’s face fell when they heard the man — Tamaki, I think — call you a scumbag. He too did look regretful and slightly sad while saying it, actually. Should I also mention that—”

“No. Thank you for getting me out. Let’s get the doll in cleaner regalia — you do have both, right?”, Lelouch asked, getting out of the coffin using both his hands to do so. His hair ended up being glued to the coffin due all the bleeding and the blood then drying, but otherwise he had gotten out relatively easily so it was fine. Maybe they should do the same for the doll, too? No, wait, they had already done that before today as they had taken the possibility into consideration.

“Of course I do, how lowly do you think of me, boy?”

“Oh shut it, witch.”

C.C. merely smirked, arching her brow. “You wouldn’t even get out of this mess without me, so I don’t think you have the right to say anything. Now then, let’s get you changed quickly. We’ll be acting as airport workers, so we’ll only see Zero and Her Majesty quickly. It’d be too much of a risk to go to Britannia with them, so we’ll be staying in Japan for quite some time. At least I recommend you to stay in Japan for quite some time, or go undercover to a country you didn’t spend too much time at yourself. We wouldn’t want you get caught this quickly. After we find a place for you to stay at, you’ll be on your own. That is, unless you want to come travel the world with me.”

“I’m sorry, C.C., but if I were to travel with you, it’d count as a holiday of sorts rather than a punishment. This is all supposed to be the way I can atone for my sins, and I must treat it as such. After all, I’m worse than Suzaku, and if he has to sacrifice his life, his wishes and his dreams to be Zero, then I cannot get out of suffering either.”

C.C. faced away from Lelouch and handed him his clothes. “I swear that if in exactly ten years Suzaku comes to me and tells me he knows you’re alive, I can and will make you regret this. I’m not supposed to have to be a listening ear to both of you. Rather not even one of you. I do not like it.”

“How in the world would he ever come to know? I’m planning on staying hidden in order to save him from more unnecessary and undeserved pain.”

“You know, love can do wonders. You should know it as well, Mr. I-took-over-the-world-because-I-loved-my-sister-too-much. There’s always a chance he finds out because of you yourself. You know, those flowers you left. He isn’t that stupid although dumb he is. One of their meaning is ‘rebirth’ and ‘eternal life’. He might just see through your plans as easily as he sees through you.”

Lelouch glared at C.C.. He knew daffodils symbolised those things, he had chosen them for a reason. “I know he isn’t stupid! I just… I just think he’ll believe those weren’t what I meant by that flower. He wouldn’t let himself hope in case he doesn’t hate me.”

“Yeah, he definitely does not hate you. I would even dare to say he loved you just as much as you love him.”

Lelouch simply ignored her words. As much as he wanted it to be just as she said, he didn’t dare to hope it be true. He looked through the clothing Lelouch had handed him. A hat, jacket, button up shirt and trousers. Those worked. He took (with a lot of difficulties) off his emperor’s robes. They were all bloody and glued to his skin which made it much harder than it would have usually been — and even then it would have not been easy.

“I also have makeup to change some general facial features of yours so that it’s even less likely you’ll be recognised.”

“That’s… That’s actually a pretty good idea.”

“You should be grateful I brought eye lenses as well, coloured ones at that, to make your eyes not purple. They’re still very much like the trademark of the Britannian’s royal family, and we want absolutely no attention on you.”

“I knew there was a reason I kept you around despite the fact you kept on spending all my money on pizza.”

C.C. flicked his head. “I think that’s not the only reason you keep me around — especially seeing as I could have left at any point.”

“But you didn’t.”

“No, I didn’t. You wouldn’t have wanted me to leave, either.”

“No, I wouldn’t have. After all, you are a friend.”

Those words — finally — brought a smile to her face. It even looked genuinely happy. “Isn’t that like the first time you admit it out loud?”

“So it may be. I thought it was better to say it now and not later, seeing as this might be one of the last times we talk and I don’t know when I will see you again. This is likely not the last, but I can’t let myself meet you often. It wouldn’t feel as though I was atoning.” Lelouch smiled, too, believing it was the last time he would. He knew he hadn’t seen a smile genuinely happy on C.C.’s face ever before this, and he was certain that the loss of ability to smile genuine and happy smiles would occur to him as well before long. Since he was deliberately trying to isolate himself and keep himself alone in order to atone, it felt likely that it would happen to him more quickly than it usually did with other immortals. He needed to do it nevertheless. He wasn’t allowed to be happy. He couldn’t.

“The doll is dressed. Let’s get going, Lamperouge.”

  
  


❋❋❋❋❋❋❋

  


 

“Good evening, Your Majesty, Zero. The late emperor has been prepared and is ready to be flown to Britannia for a burial”, C.C. said, not meeting either of their eyes. While Nunnally had never seen her, Suzaku had, and besides, Nunnally had an extremely precise hearing because of how long she could see nothing, which meant they had to be careful. C.C. was using a voice-altering machine to lessen their risk of getting caught.

Lelouch was (pretending he was) doing some paperwork behind the desk, eyeing the two people he loved the most in the world. He wanted to go to them, tell them he was still alive and here, and that he loved both of them more than he could ever express, but that now he had to go and never come back to atone, but he couldn’t. There was no way he could. Tears made their way to his eyes but he forced them back, swallowing them down.

“Thank you, Miss…?” Nunnally looked at C.C., clearly hoping she would tell her her name. This woman was being very polite, had not once expressed her hate towards her brother, and even her face and voice had stayed neutral while talking about him. It was, by all means, refreshing.

“Cherice. My name is Cherice, Your Majesty. But, while I would love to talk some more with you, you do have to hurry to catch your plane. Your sister and brother are already waiting for you there, along with Earl Maldini.”

“Well then, thank you for everything, Miss Cherice. Zero, let’s go.”

Lelouch noted that his sister’s gentle voice turned colder, much colder the second she addressed Zero. He wouldn’t have expected that of her. Well, he should have guessed, he should have known. She was much more like him than most wanted to believe, she just deliberately chose to be kind to people. That was probably why he was surprised, actually. She was openly cold towards Zero, even when he was sure she knew it was Suzaku behind the mask.

Or, maybe it was precisely because of that.

He set the papers he hadn’t even been reading down and walked over to the ones he called his sister and his best friend but whom he had both lost because of his own actions and mistakes. He wanted to bid them farewell for the last time, even if he would have to do so without letting them know it was him.

The problem was, it was possible Nunnally would recognise his voice or step pattern, but maybe everything was going to be okay. Maybe she would be too shocked to realise anything.

“Have a good and safe flight, Your Majesty, Zero. I wish you the best”, he said, trying to sound as neutral as he could, hoping his voice wouldn’t betray his agony and longing to them. Years of having to fake his feelings had made him excel at doing it, but then again, these two were also the only ones who had managed to make him do panicked and rushed decisions out of sheer love and worry for them, so maybe he shouldn’t trust his ability to control his emotions around them at all.

Nunnally smiled sweetly at him (oh how he was going to miss it) and C.C., but there was no mistaking it. It was nowhere near a genuine one, it was completely faked and pretended. Maybe someone else who didn’t know her as well wouldn’t have noticed, but he did. He couldn’t have missed it. She waved them goodbyes before Zero began wheeling her towards the entrance of the aeroplane.

“ _Hey, Zero, I hope you know, but I’m sorry. I wanted to hold your hand until the end of time, I really did, but because of me we couldn’t. Take care of my sister, and tell her I love her”,_ he ended up whispering as Suzaku walked past him. He knew that Suzaku wouldn’t register his words right away, so he had time to disappear from sight with C.C..

 

❋❋❋❋❋❋❋

 

Meanwhile, Suzaku could hear a faint whisper that was so clearly Lelouch that he had to turn around to see if he was there, but when he did, he could see no one. The workers, both of them, were gone as well, and Suzaku was left wondering what the hell just happened. Maybe he had simply misheard and imagined Lelouch speaking to him in his grave misery and longing. Yeah, that must have been it.

“Zero, why did you stop? Big brother and big sister are waiting for us, we shouldn’t make them wait too long.”

“...Yes, Your Majesty.”

Those three simple words had gone from showing respect to Charles to expressing he understood their plan and they were equals to Lelouch to reminding Suzaku Lelouch was no longer there and that he had killed the brother Nunnally loved so dearly because now he called her ‘Your Majesty’. She hated him, too, and that was for the best. He deserved it. They hadn’t remembered Nunnally would be one of the casualties of Zero Requiem, that she too would suffer because of their plan. It was their fault. She hadn't explicitly told him whether she knew him or not, but she had definitely expressed her anger when they had been alone. Her fury was justified, too. He had _killed_ the brother she loved so dearly and so much, and thus caused her great pain.

He couldn’t feel anything but longing and regret at the moment. He was sure that once he was alone and could think the happenings of the day over the pain and the sorrow were to come, but that wasn't now. He hated the sorrow, but being numb was so much worse. At least the pain would have told him he was alive — except that that was something he didn't want to be. He would merely live to atone, as well as to protect Nunnally.

 _Oh, Nunnally, I'm so sorry. We didn't want or  even mean to hurt you, but we did it anyway. You're the only one I've ever truly cared about_ and _succeeded to keep alive, and, for his sake, I will never let anyone else hurt you ever again the way we did._

  


 

❋❋❋❋❋❋❋

  
  


“You couldn’t not keep your thoughts to yourself, after all?”

“No. I needed to tell him. I love him too much not to say it.”

“You should’ve instead told him you loved him. Or, better yet, told him you loved him a year ago when _she_ was still alive and he harboured no negative feelings for you and this all—" the speaker gestured to everything around her. “—could have been avoided.”

“That was always impossible. He would have fallen in love with her, I never had any chance. And she was so much more worth him, too, she always deserved all the love he could have given her, and they would still be both happy. After I shot her, I lost him.”

“Well, the past is in the past, no use thinking what could have gone differently anymore. I still think you should have told him. Did you ever even tell the truth behind what happened with her? That you couldn’t control it and that you didn’t actually want it to happen?”

“No.”

“God, you’re worse at this than I thought. Well, maybe he starts to hate you, like you wished. Maybe he’ll move on from you and forget. And somehow, I find that so unlikely. You two care about each other too much to ever do that, and I’m certain he carries his feelings for you to the tomb while you carry yours eternally.”

“That is possible, but I don’t see how he could miss me that long. I'm not worth his love. Now, shall we go, C.C.?”

“We shall. Let us welcome the beginning of your atonement, Lelouch.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this! 
> 
> I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback on the fic, they really brighten my day. 
> 
> See you next time (which is likely either a new part of this, or an even angstier thing, depends on which I decide to rewrite first)!


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